Developing Trust in a Relationship - Section two, "Communication in Marriage". Part 12
By Norman & Ann Bales Of All About Families
TAKING RISKS
We've already mentioned our experiences in counseling. At
one point, it became necessary for Norman to allow Ann a
measure of freedom that he really didn't want to let her have.
He verbalized that fear to the counselor. He was fearful that
the avenue she wanted to pursue might result in her leaving
the marriage. The counselor conceded the fact that such a
possibility existed, but then he said, "If you aren't willing to
take that risk, I question whether you really love her or not."
When a relationship is threatened, we tend to become
protective. Often the more we try to protect, the more we
drive a wedge between those whom we profess to love. Trust
develops when we are willing to risk loss and we frankly don't
know any way to avoid the element of risk. There is a price
to pay. Greenfield warns, "When you risk yourself to others,
you become vulnerable." (Guy Greenfield. We Need Each
Other. p. 42).
SUGGESTIONS FOR BUILDING TRUST
- Trust requires consistency between non-verbal and verbal
communication. Have you ever sought to reassure your
spouse by saying, "You can trust me on this?" What will be
your spouse's reaction? Your partner could be thinking,
"Maybe I can and maybe I can't." Even worse, your spouse
might think, "The last time I trusted you, I got burned. When
our non-verbal communication is consistent with our verbal
messages, we tell our spouses that we can be trusted in a
way that goes far beyond verbal assurance. "There are
many ways to say, 'I love you!' - A fond glance, a tender or
playful touch in an appropriate spot, a thoughtful gift,
choosing to sit close in a crowded room, listening with
genuine interest, a kiss on the back of the neck, a note,
perhaps with a private joke left where it will be found, a word
of sympathy or support, a sly wink, preparing a favorite dish,
a bowl of flowers carefully arranged, a phone call in the
middle of the day, and even perhaps remembering to take the
trash out, are a few." (Clinebell and Clinebell . The Intimate Marriage. p. 89)
- Trust is built when we work diligently at the task of
listening. Genuine listening requires tremendous effort. We
must not only hear the words our spouses are speaking, but
we must attempt to hear the message they intend to speak.
In recent years, we've learned to tolerate "spin doctors" in the
world of politics. If the president makes a speech, the
opposing party will immediately communicate a "negative
spin." The spin doctor will tell us "This is what the president
said, but let me tell you what he really means." We tend to
do that with our spouses. To build trust, we have to resist the
temptation to analyze and interpret. If you tell your spouse,
"You said this, but you really meant to say this," don't be
surprised if your spouse is much less open the next time you
communicate.
- Work on the deeper levels of communication. How can we
get beyond superficial conversation? Much of the
communication between husbands and wives really operates
on a very superficial plane - "What's for supper?" Did you see
Johnny's report card?" "My sister called today." "They're
resurfacing Main street." Spousal communication reaches a
deeper level when we share opinions and convictions about
various issues, but it only reaches the level of trust when we
are willing to risk vulnerability and share feelings. When a
spouse shares a feeling, it should not be judged. It must be
accepted as a feeling.
We can recall a time several years ago, when Ann made a
statement to Norman that he totally disagreed with. Ann was
working on a college degree. She was heavily involved in
church activities and we had three teenagers in the home at
the same time. It's hard to imagine more stress. One day
she said to Norman, "I don't feel like you're supporting me in
my school work." Had she accused him of not supporting
her, he would have pointed out numerous ways in which he
thought he had done precisely that. But she didn't make that
accusation. She said, "I FEEL like you're not supporting
me." Norman was willing to accept and even appreciate the
fact that what she was willing to tell him was what she FELT.
That was much less threatening than an attack. Within a
short period of time, we were able to resolve the problem.
CONCLUSION
Trust is built when we are willing to risk the vulnerability of
entering into deeper communication. Can we be hurt by
making ourselves vulnerable? Oh yes. But the alternative is
a superficial marriage at best and an unsatisfying one at
worst.
Greenfield commented, "In recent years old oil and gas wells
in parts of Oklahoma and Texas have begun to produce
again. Those old wells extended five to ten thousand feet
underground and then played out. But with increased prices
for gas and oil providing additional incentive and with better
drilling equipment, oil-field drillers have now gone to levels
around thirty thousand feet deep and have struck it rich.
There's a lot more than black gold and gas at the deeper
levels." ( p. 47). Your effort to dig deeper into a relationship
may produce a "dry hole," but it can also produce rich
rewards which are of much greater value than black gold, gas or even diamonds. Are you willing to take the chance?
For the previous article in the series click here
For the first article in the series click here
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