Becoming a Parent-in-law - a life transition
By Dan and Mari Greenwood
Trying to understand apparent remoteness of some young in-laws
Most people set out with high hopes that they will succeed immediately in important new relationships. This is a reasonable hope, but the outcome depends on both sides having the same objectives. It is all too easy to get anxious and blame ourselves when the ideal situations do not seem to be happening.
Many have found that it takes months or even years to develop real trust and friendship with the ‘addition’ to their family. This can cause a lot of concern and heartache, but should not be regarded as very surprising because usually our own personal friendships will have taken time to develop.
Consider how many significant relatives and friends the young person has at the time of marriage. Those with many strong links to maintain will have less time and energy for us than those with few. Some previously rather solitary young people may as a couple tend to depend too much on their parents’ company after marriage.
Some young people may have had no experience of parental love or friendship previously and ‘family life’ may seem a threat to them.
They may even have experienced disinterest, manipulation, demanding-ness or emotional blackmail, in which case they are likely to put up a drawbridge and treat the marriage as the safest place they have ever known. If that is so the extent of the fortification could bewilder the older people, who may become very insecure in their anxiety to ‘get it right’.
Alternatively they may have been loved in possessive, smothering ways.
Consider how they relate to older members of their own family. That may give you insights into what is quite usual for them, but may be different from your own family’s ways.
Remoteness or coolness may be a source of anxiety and disappointment for you, so what can you do constructively?
It’s good to talk, but with some people at some times talking may not be on offer, and that has to be accepted. We might usefully pause to consider that among the people we know some are ‘life-enhancing’ for us and some are ‘life-draining’. If a new son-or daughter-in-law has a number of life-draining people in their lives they may fear adding to their existing collection of ‘responsibilities’, particularly at the time when they are committing themselves to the time- and energy-consuming state of being married.
POINT TO PONDER
- Think of gentle ways to be a ‘life-enhancer’ in whatever contact you do have with them. Encourage them in their chosen paths, affirm and appreciate. Then be patient.
- Seek to build up your own friendships in mutually ‘life-enhancing’ ways.
- Ask your most trusted friend whether you might be intimidating for a younger person and discuss possible changes you might work towards. For example, the highly successful career-person, the ‘social success’, the do-it-yourself wiz-kid or the super-competent home-maker are always hard acts to follow.
- Who needs who?
The young couple may have such good support networks in place that they feel that they do not ‘need’ family. Our own son or daughter may or may not have needed us much in recent years. They will undoubtedly need us much less when they are married, and dependence on us becomes inappropriate.
But as parents there will usually be part of us that needs them.
Many of us will have lived much of our lives with love and availability for them, and we will have shared experiences and memories. Because of this we may find the change in relationships challenging.
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